Day 4 of medication – 13/05/14

Keeping busy is my main priority. As soon as I’m on my own I become down and the cloud comes back. It’s not as dark as before but it still wants to come back. I notice when I smile in the mirror that the cloud is making we want to cry. I desperately want to look at myself in the mirror and smile without that feeling of being haunted by negative thoughts.

Which brings me on to my day. In the morning I knew that I had to get out of my house for the day. So I called my sister and asked if it would be okay for me to come round. So I got to my sister’s and wanted to see my nephew. Why she was doing her chores I kept an eye on him. He kept me very busy as he changes his mind on what he wants to do. Eventually I decided I wanted to go shop to pick up something to eat, so me, my sister and my nephew went to the shop. Afterwards we all had lunch.

When my mum was on her way home from work she stopped round my sisters to see my nephew. We all walked together back to my house. By the time I got home my head was banging,  I felt like a bag of nerves. I decided a kip before I went out again was needed.

After my kip I got myself ready and decided to go to by nan’s for a bit whilst I waited for my friend Bee to go bingo with. On my way to my nan’s I bumped into an old school friend, she decided after hearing what happened to make sure I got to my nan’s house okay, which I really appreciated.

I talked with my nan for a bit and she hoped I would win at bingo. Bee picked me up she was only round the corner from where my nan lives. We went bingo. I felt so comfy around her it calmed my anxiety down. Bingo was great but my anxiety was good and bad at times especially when I was close to winning on their pot of gold jackpot. That amount of money would have been nice. But before that I actually won 2 things, firstly on a free game I won a free game on their computer things next time and secondly I won full house. I was so nervous to call out as I was thinking “please don’t be wrong” the thought of all that embarrassment if I was, was making me anxious, but I was right and finally I’m seeing positive things happen. Thank you Bee for suggesting bingo. I know for that time a little bit of myself shone out. Please let there be more positive things to come, please.

When I arrived home I got myself ready for bed. Ready to see what the next day had installed for me.

Day 3 of medication – 12/05/14

This morning I had no idea of what I was going to do with my day, again this made me anxious; anxious because I’d be left on my own for a few hours, due to my mum going to work I was scared about what I might think, secondly I was scared that I’d get bored around the house easily and get myself into that vicious cycle of those dark thoughts again and there’d be nobody around so I can calmly talk them out.

My mum did leave the house whilst I was wearing my pjs, I kept myself busy by updating my blog, when she arrived back I had decided since my dearest friend Ell had known about everything I wanted to be with her for the day and hope I would bump into my bestie Zed. I quickly showered and got myself out of the house. Since everything I feel that I have to keep my mum informed of my whereabouts as her worry for me will only heighten my anxiety, which I don’t need.

I eventually arrived at Ell’s she was getting the children ready for school, both of the children were happy and couldn’t leave me alone for one second, they’re only 4 years old, how could I let them see a sad, low, depressed grown up, it’s not fair to display that behaviour in front of a child, their smiles and fondness of me is what kept me strong from hiding this from them, how could I not be fun and join in their games?

Me and Ell took them both to school, Ell’s little girl Ooh was upset as she couldn’t ride the other little girl’s (Imm) bike to school, I said to Ooh would you like me to cry to, to which I said no, I told her everything was okay and asked why she was crying,  together with Ell we managed to calm her down whilst Imm was riding away.

After they had been dropped to school. Me and Ell went to the shops, I was feeling very hungry I brought a prawn sandwich and some Doritos crisps. The shop was manic and when I thought I lost Ell my anxiety decided to pay me a visit again. Once we left the shop we went back to Ell’s and waited for Zed so we could all have lunch together. Zed arrived and girlie chat commenced, and we had cake.

It really helped as I was able to say what was on my mind and talked a little about my future. I know for sure Ell and Zed will definitely help me with that. Eventually we had to pick the children up from school. I went to Zed’s house with her little girl Imm for a little bit. Zed’s dog wouldn’t leave me alone, and Imm was keen to play, aswell as Zed wanting to do selfies. I explained that I want to cry when I smile and said I’d rather pull a face instead, Zed and I made a selfie with our tongues out, she had posted this on to instagram.

After leaving Zed’s I was in a rush to get home so I could get changed for zumba. On my way I noticed a road was blocked, there was a lot of police around this made me nervous as it was in an area where I was planning to take my bus, it turns out it was an accident. I was lucky in the fact, that due to the delay of my bus I was able to catch it by walking to the next bus stop, as I missed it at the bus station.

When on the bus I called my mum to tell her what was happening in town and how I was feeling at the time as I felt scared and unsafe since I wasn’t sure what was happening. I also asked her to find my gym clothes as I was anxious about arriving late at Cee’s in order to go zumba.

I got home went straight up stairs to get ready and had found that my mum had layed out the clothes I needed to wear. I quickly got changed picked up the thank you gifts that my mum wanted to give to Cee and her mum for supporting me on the 8/05/14. I quickly walked there. Cee and her mum were grateful for the gifts and asked how I was, which was I have kept busy so I try not to feel as low as I did. We headed off to zumba with Cee’s cousin too. Zumba was awesome as usual, but I couldn’t give it my all as I couldn’t use my blue inhaler as often as I was informed by the doctor that taking my inhaler a lot can increase my levels of anxiety.

Cee’s mum dropped me off about 5 minutes away from home. When I got home I had a much bigger appetite I had homemade chips with a cheese burger with salad on it, it was delicious, I then had a bath. In the bath negative thoughts came to light I ignored them and just decided to relax by focusing on my breathing, trying to think of nothing but just a nice long soak. I felt so clean.

That’s my day in a nutshell.

Day 3 of Medication

 

Day 2 of medication 11/05/14

I can’t remember much of this day, except I was anxious to get out of the house. I wanted to be out keeping busy.

I went to do the normal grocery shop. I wanted to get the shopping done with my dad and get back home as soon as possible, I was getting anxious of the people around me. It helped to tell my dad, when I was anxious and why.

When I arrived back home I just wanted something little to eat I had to tiny slices of french stick before my roast dinner. When it came to my roast I ate only a few carrots, small slice of pork and a tiny amount of mashed potato, I felt sick and full.

The day before my mum was keen for me to buy another jumper, the same one I had brought on Friday, as it made me comfortable to be in and I felt relaxed in it, so my dad drove us to town. We looked in new look and we couldn’t find the jumper, but we did find a hooded jacket which was very similar as the hood was fluffy, it was a perfect fit and value for money, after new look we went to Dorothy Perkins where I brought some Dunlop pumps that were in the sale, then we went to the Works where I had brought some foil engraving activity sheets to keep me busy.

I eventually got bored of this, I began to get anxious about what to do next, as I was worried about where my mind would drift to, by this time I was feeling slightly peckish, so I decided to make myself a beef roll from the remaining bits of the french stick, I had it in two halves since I wasn’t very hungry.

After that I somehow found myself watching the antiques road show with my mum. I normally find it boring, but it did keep my mind off things and I decided to go bed and to start writing up my blog.

First attempt at foil scraping practice.

Day 2 of meds

Day 1 (First 24 hours of medication) 10/05/14

Seeing as I my I was in and out of sleep after taking my tablet, lets skip to the morning of Saturday 10th May.

Once I had a bath and gotten dressed. I was feeling pretty anxious, I sat on the sofa huddled and rocking with my hoodie up. My mum had asked me why I was so anxious, firstly I wanted to make sure my ex-boyfriend had got the letter I had delivered, secondly I didn’t want to be at home alone, thirdly I wanted to know where and when I was going to go out with my mum and dad and finally I was nervous and anxious about attending a friends 30th party (Ell), as my friends that were there knew everything, I wondered how they would act around me.

Anyway my best friend Cee had finally text me to say that my ex-boyfriend had got the letter, that anxiety was removed but another replaced it.

I went to my nan’s with my mum and dad, the majority of my aunts and uncles were there, I didn’t tell my nan everything, except I am suffering from anxiety and depression. I know my nan meant well but she was practically invading my personal space, I could tell she wasn’t listening properly, she thought it was just depression I suffer from, I tried to explain that I have had anxiety for a long time. My aunts and uncles told me a bit about their experiences, one even suggested hypnotherapy. I was so grateful to be around those that love me then.

After my nan’s I didn’t want to go home just yet, and I wanted to buy some flat shoes, so we went to the local shopping centre to my nan’s and had a look I couldn’t find anything. During that time, as it was a bad idea for me to contact my ex-boyfriend I asked Cee to find out his feelings towards the letter. So on my way home I got a reply saying that he didn’t want to get back together and he was keen to be friends, at this point there was just me, my anxiety and fear of forever being alone, this went by quick. Whilst on my journey home, my dad had driven by the spot where I was going to jump it had me quite shaken and teary, it had me thinking ‘what the hell was I thinking?’ Along with ‘I’m going to be okay, I have help now’. Whenever I feel a bit low I remind myself that last thought, ‘I’m going to be okay, I have help now‘.

I called Ell to see if I was ok to come to her party earlier, and explained that I am anxious and nervous and thought by arriving earlier it would help me feel more relaxed and comfortable, to which she was understanding and said yes to. As it was A BBQ I brought some vimto to drink (as I cannot drink alcohol with my tablets) as I knew there was going to be alcohol there.

Once people were arriving my anxiety was up, down, up, down, until everyone had arrived. And my best friend (Zed) had arrived with her husband and I began to feel more comfortable. All my friends were supportive and gave me plenty of hugs and well wishes. I tried my best to be happy, I wasn’t happy, I was less low, it kept my mind off of things, and I had wanted to see my friends as it made me a little calmer. It was a great BBQ 30th party, the one thing that I wish happened is that I was me again.

So I got home and Cee had called to make sure I was okay, she was on her way home and I was getting ready for bed as my tablet was making me drowsy and said we’d see each other more this week. I am hoping I don’t become a burden to her as I really do love my bestie, and appreciate everything she does for me.

Beginning of day 1 of meds

End of Day one of medication

Getting Help

Friday 9th May. I remembered that the mental health nurse told me to go doctors. So whilst I was waiting to get an appointment at the doctors, my mum informed my line manager how I was ill. I could over hear what she was saying it brought a tear to my eye. By the time my mum had finished speaking to them, I had managed to get an appointment for 9 am. After that my mum called her work to tell them why she wouldn’t be in and as its my dad’s relative wife she spoke to she told her that I had tried to kill myself and she wanted to keep a close eye on me – this really made me cry, I had feeling of disbelief yet I knew it was true.

I was feeling pretty tearful at the time I was walking to the doctors. I was anxious about what they were going to say to me, I was anxious about whether they were going to take me seriously and most of all I was anxious about what would happen next.

I arrived at the doctors about just over 10 minutes before my appointment, me and my mum only sat down for 2 minutes and I was seen early, by a lovely doctor, I couldn’t have asked for a nicer doctor. She was patient and kind, she didn’t rush me to speak. When I entered the room I automatically started crying and I really appreciated her taking the time to listen.

The first thing I did was get the pink leaflet out that the mental nurse had gave me then, as I struggled to get the words out I took a deep breath in and said I tried to kill myself, then I explained what was going on, my mum was with me at the time and even she cried as I struggled to get my words out. The doctor looked at my notes and had said that it looks like I’ve been battling with anxiety for years, but due to my current state I also have depression with my anxiety and agreed with what the mental health nurse had written on the leaflet. She asked me to pick up a further leaflet to make sure the counselling sessions she is referring me to is the right thing for me to do. And to book an appointment for that in the week as it takes a few days for the form to be processed. She also told me the medication that I would be on is a long-term medication (for at least 6 months) and it is supposed to work by making me think clearer without emotions conflicting, she also told me to be aware of side effects, one of which is in order for the medication to work properly for the first few weeks my anxiety will get worse before its better but if I keep busy I should be able to beat it, the major ones are impulsive behaviour and if I get to how low I was on 8/05/14 I need to stop the medication and come back as soon as possible. She also said that with me wanting to be open and honest, that going back work would be a good thing, as it would keep me busy and I’d be doing something I clearly enjoy (as prior to this she asked me what I did).

After doctors I decided I wanted to sort somethings out to make me less anxious, so I went into town with my mum and posted a letter to my ex-boyfriend about how I am feeling, and when I am better I’d like to talk for closure in order for us to be friends, like he suggested.

After that we went Boots to pick up my new medication. They was a lot quicker than the other Boots in town, which is surprising when it’s in the shopping centre. I decided I wanted to go out for lunch with my mum and do a little bit of retail therapy. In new look I spotted a perfect hooded jumper, the hood to it was fluffy, just what I needed to feel comfortable in. I also brought a beautiful pink top with grey roses and a silky black collar.

I got home got changed then I met my best friend from work (Gee) for a pudding, it really brought some clarity to my situation, I was still nervous, anxious and low, but felt comfy in my new jumper and comfy around her to talk. After that I went to see my best friend (Cee) that came to the hospital, to have a girlie night, she reassured me and we had pizza pittas and salad which was delicious. We watched Baby Momma and I was very relaxed that night.

My dad picked me up when I was finished, as soon as I got in I decided that it was time to take my medication for the first time. I was nervous to take it at first, as I was anxious that I would have an allergic reaction to it, so i decided to stay with my dad for an hour to reassure myself that I would be okay, and I was okay just drowsy and feeling nauseated.

This day is what encouraged me to write this blog. And I know with all the help and  support from my family, friends and medical professionals I will get better. It might be a long journey but I will get better.

So my journey begins… How my story started

Thursday 8th May was a terrible day. All I can say is that before this I had a dark cloud following me and I thought I was able to control it. It took breaking up with my first long-term relationship to cause me to crash.

Previously I had suffered bouts of anxiety, but always managed to cope somehow. And December 2013 I worked in the care industry and due to the pressures of that job, I developed work related stress, the thought of going back to this care home had saddened me a lot, this should have been a big warning sign, but again after I left this job I thought I was okay.

At that point in my life I hid quite a lot of negative feelings, that I was having from everyone. Every now and then my boyfriend would notice that I wasn’t telling him my true feelings, even about mediocre things that we’d plan to do ect.

Even though I was having negative thoughts, I was still able to get back into a “happy place”. I had my old job back, working in a sixth form college and enjoying working as part of a supportive team, went out like any normal girl like myself would with friends and had a good time.

Me and my boyfriend had a break for about a week, I had a lot of anxiety and negative thoughts then, but I kept myself busy and we decided to try again. Whilst trying again, I always had a feeling something bad was going to happen, ranging from my boyfriend’s epilepsy getting worse, something happening in the family, to something going on at work. The anxiety was building up, the dark cloud was getting darker and larger, I was always on edge. I hid this with a smile or do say something convincing to cover my tracks.

So we arrive at that day when I finally crashed. My boyfriend broke up with me, I didn’t know what to say or do. I wanted to run, shout, scream but most of all I wanted to feel physical pain. We were outside in the rain when this happened. I was in a state the first time police officers saw me. They wanted to make sure I was okay, I eventually calmed but lied to them by saying ‘yes we’ll go to a dry place to talk’. Really I was thinking “I’m not going to talk, I’m going to runaway” so my boyfriend had followed me as he promised the police officers that I would get home safely, darker thoughts had come to light.

Even though the logical thinker was still there, the negative feelings along with my memories of evidence supporting these feelings came to light and knocked out all the logical thinking I had. The negative me felt unloved by my family, that my friends didn’t really care, that I was always going to be alone and the one that stuck out most is ‘I have nothing left to live for’. I know this is ridiculous as there’s a lot of strong memories that proves this wrong.

So this was my lowest, lowest of all lows I have ever experienced. I wanted to kill myself, I didn’t want to see myself bleed consciously, I tried to jump of a bridge, but every time I tried he stopped me, I couldn’t jump as I would have taken him with me, which I didn’t want. So the next thing I tried was to strangle myself with my handbag’s strap, again as soon as he realised what I was doing he stopped me. I knew he wasn’t going to give in, so I sat. I sat in the rain, with my back against the bridge’s cemented wall, in silence, a passer-by came suggesting to him to call a friend to pick me up.

So he called my best friend as I asked for help, she wanted to speak with me, she did, I can’t remember what I said but I know I wasn’t in the right frame of mind. I was a broken person. Once the call was finished, he called the police for help.

5 minutes passed I knew I needed help. Help had got to me. One of the police officers helped me up and took me to the car to talk and to get warmed up, as at that point I was cold and absolutely soaked in rain. He reassured me and told me what was going to happen. As I asked for help they took me to hospital so that I had a voluntary mental assessment. They called my parents and they along with my best friend and her mum came to the hospital.

First I was seen by the paramedic who did a brief assessment, then she referred me to a mental health nurse. About 90 minutes after seeing the paramedic I saw a very polite and lovely nurse, I told her everything that happened, along with my medical history. She kindly gave me a leaflet and wrote some key information to inform my doctor; which was medication and the type of counselling that I would need to be referred to and she reassured me that if I have any problems to pop back to see her team.

As I came out I found that my sister and her little family arrived with warm dry clothes for me. (Really grateful for this) I didn’t expect to see my nephew there too. I couldn’t not smile at him. He’s my important reason to live.

I arrived home only told a few people what had happened. I had a Mc Donalds, couldn’t even eat the fries, was absolutely tired, yet restless and shaky. Eventually I went to bed… This is where my story begins…